After the Birth, what a family needs
“Let me know if I can help you in any way when the
baby is born.” … “Just let me know if you need a hand.” … “Anything I can do,
just give me a call.”
Most pregnant women get these
statements from friends and family but shy away from making requests when they
are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and
countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m fine, I’m doing great,
new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope.
I’m the perfect Mum” is pervasive in postpartum land. If you’re too shy
to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the
following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have
found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to
remedy these problems for the new parents but there seems to be a lot of
confusion about what’s wanted and needed…
1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and
beautiful whole grain bread.
2. Buy us a new garbage can with a
swing top lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (size___).
3. Make us a big supper salad with
feta cheese, black Kalamata olives, toasted almonds, green crispy things and a
nice homemade dressing on the side. Or, make us frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a
bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert.
Drop it off and ask if you want me to leave right away or stay and chat.
4. Come over about 2pm in the
afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby
and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the sofa, beds
or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet, do some.
5. Come over at 10am, make me eggs,
toast and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in
doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything; just use your best judgment.
6. Put a sign on my door saying
“Dear Friends and Family, Mum and baby need extra rest right now. Please come
back in 7 days but phone first. All donations of casserole dinners would be
most welcome. Thank you for caring about this family.”
7. Come over in your cleaning
clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with
visitors but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to
clean, organized space.
8. Take my older kids for a really
fun-filled afternoon to a park, Chipmunks or somewhere fun and feed them
healthy food.
9.
Stop by the store and buy me a large chicken and some vegetables to roast with
it. Get it all ready,
put
them in my oven, put the timer on and ask if you want me to leave or stay and chat.
10.
When partner goes back to work, come over early with some bread, marg and a preserve or two and
have breakfast with us.
11. Come over and give my husband a
two hour break so he can go to a pub, the golf range, play some rugby or some
other R&R that will delight him. Fold more laundry.
12. Make me a giant pot of vegetable
soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and
empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags.
These are the kindnesses that new
families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts but
the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul
described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they
can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to
supporting you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10
people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult
support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the
little prayer “I need help.”
Help After the Birth 
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